[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
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i baked you a cake
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Lmbo
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I feel seen.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.