EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
You Might Also Like
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.