Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!