[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh