Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

incredible book dedication

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?