Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

True

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

This hospital has everything

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked