Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

My plans: 2020:

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

*frowns in Scottish*

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.