If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets