Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Proctology is located in A55

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?