Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.