If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
You Might Also Like
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt