If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
