If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
