If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something