If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
*sewing*
A thread
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog