Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love it! 👍😂

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Me, flirting😏

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”