If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Xylophonist Shredding It
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
pep talk
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!