What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times