If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!