@Cheeseboy22

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

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@HRTSMRT

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

@simoncholland

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

@petemandik

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

@mrgan

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

@murrman5

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

@bwebster76

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

@panmidwest

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

@TheHyyyype

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times