If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

You Might Also Like


What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.


Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.


Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.




yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston


[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?


Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.


IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me


[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times