Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Think I pulled my liver

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts