Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Wise advice

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Mission: Impossible

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.