If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE