If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope