If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Made something I’m not proud of
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.