If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I had to Stop for this
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Happy weekend !
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR