If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.