If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.