If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.