If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
sliding into dms like
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.