Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?