If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
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