if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Got him!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.