If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*