Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.