Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.