If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Come back with a warrant
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
🤣
