If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*weighs self after shaving
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.