If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
Sorted
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
That’s amazing.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Sure. Why not?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres