If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy