Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

👻

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.