Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

🤣

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?