if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Florida man
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.