If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster