If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
BETRAYAL
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.