Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Cause of death: Zumba

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.