If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Buying a well is money well spent.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
#Caturday
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.