If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
asking santa clause for nudes
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.