If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
