if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“That’s what” – She
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me