if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
This bar smells like my childhood.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?