if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Good morning ☺️
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift