Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.