if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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yeah not falling for this one
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy