if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Worst Native American name ever.
