If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.