If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: