if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.