if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.