if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.