if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
🤣
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.