If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
motivation
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.