if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
This pepper has seen some shit
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?