Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.