Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out