If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t