If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
🤣🤣
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Ummm
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”