If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”