Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

What happened to the other hiker??!

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.