“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
You Might Also Like
To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?