Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Hell yeah 👍
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.