If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.