If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You Might Also Like
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.