If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.