If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.