If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Meow
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.