I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Always
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended