If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.