@linkindrinkin

if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget

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@Book_Krazy

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

@Fred_Delicious

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@Brampersandon_

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@Contwixt

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@Parkerlawyer

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

@ExcuseMyTweets

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.