Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?