If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Is this the real life?
Is this just
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
