If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I missed you with all my darts
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84