If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
That’s easy for you to say
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Room with a view.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
this is the best day of my life
