If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.