If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider