If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
you’re so productive for your wage
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.