If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]